so i've finally found a professor who has money to support a graduate student, but as a result of my inabilities to ever be happy/appreciative/satisfied in life, i'm beginning to think that grad school isn't the right path for me.  firstly, i'm concerned that if  (and when) i fail my oral dissertation, the department will not award a masters degree (as is not their custom).  i will therefore have to leave the program with nothing to show for two years+ of work.  if i do pass my orals, i do not want to work for 2-3 more years when i do not want to be a scientist after graduating. 

i'm frustrated that what i'm researching right now is not applicable to the medical field, and will not be of benefit to anyone in the long run. i am angry with myself that i am not careful enough with my experiments, leading me to make mistakes each time.  i am either too distracted and/or bored with my tasks at hand.  but i shouldn't complain, and just focus! 

 i want to be in an environment where i feel safe and supported by fellow females (i'm in a lab with three other guys), and i want to help someone..in what i'm doing.  i want to have interactions with people, i want to make visible progress instead of repeating the same experiment 8 weeks in a row.  i want to be competent and successful at what i do, without being constantly berated or put down for what i do...and then reflecting badly on my alma mater each time.  

i know that hard work is necessary for any kind of success, but right now, i don't care about success in what i do.  none of it matters.  

what i want is to live at home or near my parents so i can take care of them as they get older.  i want to do a job that is of benefit to people.  i do not want to waste peoples' money or time in attempt to satisfy their intellectual curiosities.  i want to be happy. 

i know that there are people who would love to be in my position, and that i am one of the luckiest people in the world.  i know that this isn't what i will be doing the rest of my life.  i know that i can get more schooling in another area down the line, once i've exhausted my possibilities here.   the trick is not to sabotage my own position here, either intentionally or unintentionally... i should be grateful and work hard with what i've got.

like joyce said, i should either change my current path, or change my attitude.  seems like changing the latter is the wisest choice. 

oh my god. if i have to lift one more drawer to discover fossilized rivers of jam and unidentifiable food remains festering underneath, i'm seriously going to hurt something.

serenity: pride and prejudice (2005)

resonance: memoirs of a geisha

want to: read jane eyre

need to: use my time more wisely

While I was up at Oregon for the past 2.5 weeks (Tashi Choling), I did a lot of reading:

• FINALLY finished The Amber Spyglass (Philip Pullman)~ wow, subtext much?
  
• Memoir/humor/childhood satires:
• David Sedaris's Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
• Running with Scissors - Augusten Burroughs
• Haruki Murakami (recommended by Enrico Cassarosa):
• Norwegian Wood
• working on Sputnik Sweetheart
• i feel like the narrators in each of his novels are the same person... hmm..
  
• The Handmaid's Tale- Margaret Atwood (yikes)
  

Yay! I feel like i'm finally making progress on breaking my reading drought...which has been like, eight years...long.. oops.


My 35th place on the Once DVD waitlist finally came through...while i was away (of course...), so now I've not only waited four months to see the musical, but have been charged a dollar for not picking it up when it was my turn!!! GRR. the universe is obviously against me. or perhaps just the gods of the library miniverse.

I'm off to house/dog-sit for a friend in Alameda tomorrow until Tuesday!  uwaaa...i don't know if i'm into this pooper-scooper business..  <:P  and i shouldn't have turned down the compensation offer now she wants me to be gone this long.  oops again!  oh well, time to get cracking on finding a professor to work for summer anyway.  i hope i'm not too late...

Is anyone interested in house/dog-sitting at a millionaire's house on Embarcadero during the month of May?  

sent in my SIR tonight to UCLA...by george, is this really happening?  *quakes in boots* 

brother: dude

                i wonder if we just had an earthquake

                actually i think my neighbor is running around like a crazy person

revelation: chocolate, laughter, and a bit of perspective are very effective in preventing one from drowning in self-pity. 

also recommended: sympathetic yet practical friends who feed you. 

reminder to self:  prepare emergency chocolate stash in purse for unforeseen emotional breakdowns.

http://www.sisterbetty.org/stairways/filbertsteps.htm
http://www.sisterbetty.org/stairways/greenwichstreet.htm
http://www.sisterbetty.org/stairways/peter.htm

ah ha, so the beautiful vertical trip up to coit tower have names~ i love that we stumbled across those stairways without knowing the treat that we were in for.  that chilly afternoon where we wandered around the winding streets of SF exploring the nooks and crannies of that neighborhood will stay with me for a long time.  i can't wait for the next opportunity to revisit the area, and randomly, i'd love to go to the SF farmer's market too...

mom and i went shopping at stanford shopping center together for the first time in many years.  it's been a long time since she's been able to walk for the entire afternoon without stopping, and although we took a couple short breathers i am so happy that she's recovered so well since her illnesses.   when we were waiting to cross the street when evening began to fall, mom took my arm but faced the opposite direction.  suddenly, she began to hum a tuneless melody and began skipping, twirling us around as we did in square dances in second grade.  when i laughed and stopped our silly dance a few seconds later, she began it again but it the opposite direction with the other arm.  i love it when mom smiles or laughs--there's nothing else better than seeing your own family members radiantly happy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday Jen, and best of luck tomorrow!
I'm so sorry that my headache struck at such an inopportune time, and that i missed out on the celebrations..  i hope you had a wonderful evening, and please fill me on the festivities soon. :D 

i haven't even sent out these christmas cards i made for my relatives yet...mom says they can be doubled as Chinese New Year greetings, but i'm not too convinced.  it's become increasingly apparent that procrastination is well on its way to ruining my life.  yabai!!!

Engraved on the wall beside the entrance to the San Jose Tech Museum is something akin to:

If everything that you do works, you're not trying hard enough. 


i love these little delights in life where something completely random suddenly resonates with you so much that you can't help but smile.

---------------------------------------------------------
it might be the exhaustion but i just cried three times from watching three different performances of this program. something about the tenderness of the music, the perfection of the choreography and execution, and the gentle but firm promise of how "I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in the fields of gold" and

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold

just splits my heart in two. it really was another era in which michelle reigned the skating world; the passage of my childhood cannot be more poignantly demonstrated than through this...

i've been in a frenzy these past few weeks applying to grad schools and writing (and rewriting) my personal statements.  then of course, there's the dreaded GRE studying.  how do people DO this while juggling school and/or work?  you guys are amazing.  just pure amazing.

thank you so much to my flist for keeping me sane this holiday season. you guys are the best, every single one of you!  let's collectively push towards a spectacular finish!   *puts arm into imaginary circle*  fiiiiighhhttooo-O!!!

My mom and I were browsing around a Japanese dollar store earlier tonight, when a woman approached us and engaged in the following exchange:

woman: Could i ask you a question?
me: Oh sure, but we're not employed here
woman: Oh it's okay that you are not employees, but you guys are Japanese, so I figured...
my mom and i: *blink* no, we're not Japanese either, but what can we help you with? 

err, that was a first... interestingly enough, although she did apologize for her mistake, the woman didn't seem to be as mortified as I was on her behalf!  maybe she was thrown off by my singing softly along to BoA's MeriKuri, so she's not completely to blame...;)  

peying, on the subject of codominance: "it's like a cow, where you can see both black and white spots!"

i've got to pull myself together and get through this. i've got to!!! 

Certainly a reason to believe that things aren't all that bad.
i love the sing-songy way he said that the cool kids belonged in the band room! 

i don't think my brother has even heard of a fandom much less been in one himself, but i cannot describe how happy i was tonight when he voluntarily "air-fived" me across the living room.

in other news, chatting and nerdy isketching are less than productive ways to spend one's day.

our house doesn't get many trick-or-treaters (if any at all) for halloween, so we usually just give the few kids that come by candy that we happen to have.  i was worrying all day that we had no candy this year, but  i came home this afternoon from joyce's house to discover that my mom had picked a box of persimmons and set it on the front porch.  it's been years since i've seen my mom draw anything, and to see this sitting out there just characterizes who she is--she's never been one to follow the norm, and is the most considerate person i've ever known.  i don't know what's come over me, but i really feel lucky to have her in my life.

ETA: mom just came home, and told me after i was done squeeing about her sign that she had initially just drawn a smiley face.  then she thought that "it was missing something," so she drew a circle around it.  then she remembered it was halloween, so she added the jack-o-lantern touches.  HAHHAA priceless!!!

i've been watching WAY too much of the office--i fell asleep for another 30 minutes after i had initially woken up this morning, which is usually the circumstances where my dreams are the most vivid.  on this particular day, i found myself dreaming about having lunch with a small group of close friends, and seeing the cast of the office walk by.  jenna fischer was leading pack, with john krasinski following closely behind her. 

i woke up again when i found myself in the middle of flipping over and covering my mouth with both hands in excitement.  partial paralysis doesn't usually fail me...

Some advice from my review book:

Managing stress

• Take control- identify the sources of the stress you feel, and what you can do about them.  You are not helpless!
• Focus on your strengths
• Imagine yourself succeeding
• Set realistic goals- what can you accomplish in the time remaining?
  
• Exercise your frustrations away
• Avoid drugs- "self-defeating...it all depends on your tolerance for caffeine."
  
• Eat well
• Work at your own pace- "don't mistake other people's sheer activity for signs of progress and higher scores."
  
• this is why i always start from the back of tests....
• Keep breathing
• Stretch